Dear Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golf 3.6 were also affected
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and can delete all bank account information!
====================================================================
CHICKENS AND EXPERTS
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the
need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right
from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because t he chicke n was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
simple as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chic kens in th e world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........
reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
===================================================================
USC Basketball Team Entrance Exam Math Questions:
NAME: ____________________
GANG NAME: ___________________
TAG: ____________________
HOOD: ____________________
1). Terdell has an AK 47 with a 30 round magazine. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3). Delfonda pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Delfonda's $800 per day crack habit?
4). Leroy wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?
7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9). Rico is a lookout for the gang. Rico has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Rico makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?
10). Pedro steals Manuel's skateboard. As Pedro skates away at 35 mph, Manuel loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes him 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Pedro be when he gets whacked?
====================================================================
On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach at Wanganui in his car, when there was a frantic commotion just off-shore. A man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 5 metre shark.
While the Pope looked on horrified, a boat cruised up alongside with two men wearing All Black jerseys. Rangi quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side. Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Rangi and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them.
"I had been told that there was some bitter rivalry between New Zealand and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, Rangi asked Hohepa, "Who the hell was that, bro'?"
"That was the Pope cuz," Hohepa replied. "He's in direct contact with God bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," Rangi said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know bugger-all about shark fishing .......... Is our bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another Aussie?"
=================================================================
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have your wife shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land, for $450."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $450?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
====================================================================
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...
Are - my - test - results - back?"
====================================================================
Jesus is Watching Over You
A burglar broke into a house one night and began to explore it looking for valuables, he entered the living room and went to the stereo and started to disconnect it when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Friend, always know that Jesus is watching you."
The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. "Who's there? Who's there?" He got no response so continued his work and after securing the stereo in his sack, flashed the light around the room and headed over to the TV to get the DVD player. Just then, he heard the voice again - "Friend, always remember that Jesus is watching over you."
Again the voice scared the living daylights out of him, this time he turn on the lights expecting to see the house's owner sitting there, but instead he saw a parrot.
The burglar laughed out loud and asked the parrot "was that warning about Jesus you?"
"Yes," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to remind you that Jesus is always watching over you."
"Okay, fine", said the burglar. "thanks for the tip. Now what's your name?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed, "What kind of a idiot would have a parrot called Moses?"
"The same kind of idiot that would have a Rottweiler called Jesus." deadpanned the parrot.
===================================================================
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman but the old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two, then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."
===================================================================
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
===================================================================
The Browns were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Brown kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man
should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to....."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Brown cut in.
"Come in."
"Really?" the photographer asked.
"Well, good! My specialty is babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing,
"Well, where do we start?"
Photographer -
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living
room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"
Wife -
"Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
for Harry and me."
Photographer -
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
if we try sevral different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
Wife -
"My, my, that's a lot of .................."
Photographer -
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to
be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that
I'm sure."
Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it."
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus."
Wife -
"Oh my god!!"
Photographer -
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
Wife -
"She was difficult?"
Photographer -
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing to get a good look."
Wife -
"Four and five deep?" (eyes widened in amazement).
Photographer -
"Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly
squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness
approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Wife (leaning forward) -
"You mean they actually chewed on your equipment?"
Photographer -
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work"
Wife - "Tripod??
Photographer -
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big for me to hold very long.
Madam?......Madam.....?
Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
======================================================================
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
===================================================================
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday so she spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,"I'm 78 and my eyesight is going, but when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, "Oh what the hell, go ahead."
The old man gently slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he lightly pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...So how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't," she says.
The old man says "I was standing behind you in McDonald's."
=====================================================================
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, simply, 'Dad.'
With dread feelings and trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter:
Dear Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you and Mum would not approve of her because of all her piercings and tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. Stacy is pregnant and we are both very happy because Stacy says it must have happened the very first time we made love.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone so we'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better, she sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. I'm sure we'll be back to visit someday, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love,
Your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!
===================================================================
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. Listen, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mother.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G, A, B, C, D, E, F, G! see?"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, I saw that all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" and she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good dear," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
===================================================================
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.
He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know, I would have got out today. "
===================================================================
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'
==================================================================
Grandma's Birth Control Pills... An 80-year-old woman's doctor finally retired after many years of seeing her. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her prescriptions. As the young doctor was looking through the medications on the list, his eyes grew wide as he noticed a rather odd prescription for a woman her age. "Mrs. Smith," he said as he pointed to the medicine. "I have to say I'm a little confused over this one prescription. Could you tell me what it's for?" The woman looked at the medicine and replied, "Oh, yes. Those are wonderful pills. They help me sleep." The doctor was taken aback. "Mrs. Smith, I don't mean to contradict you, but I don't see how they can possibly help you sleep. You see, these are birth control pills!" "Well, I know that, dear," she said. "You see, every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And I promise you... they definitely help me to sleep at night." | |
| ==================================================================== Enjoy! |
0 comments:
Post a Comment